Goodbye 2014

Goodbye 2014.

We will keep you very dear in our heart.

It has been a sad and challenging year, but it was beautiful too. We lost our loved ones, and most dearly your beloved Atok. It was not easy for us. Yet alhamdulillah, now words could describe how Allah has been so merciful and loving towards us through our most difficult time.

Just before Atok left us, Allah blessed us with two weeks time to be by his side. And more than that, it felt as if the time had been stopped for us so we could cherish every moment spent with him. Adik, you were too little but still you could understand our mourning. Kakak, you could not stop crying the moment Atok left all of us. But when you saw his face one last time before we did a prayer for him your cry subsided, and alhamdulillah you were at peace.

"Why Atok smile Mommy?" I would not forget that question you asked me.

At that second I could not find a better way than to tell you, "Because Atok is returning to Allah. And I guess (I pray) he is happy. In shaa Allah"

Yes, death is the end of our life in this world. But it is most certainly the beginning of our next life, the eternal life. Everyone will face death one day. It is certain. And it should be our destination in this life. That moment we two sat by Atok was like a blessing Allah bestowed upon us. You were so hurt, losing your Atok. But that pain in your heart - as if - had gone immediately when you discovered Atok is going to meet his Creator. That this life is only temporary and our final destination is meeting our Lord. And we must not stop asking for His forgiveness and mercy to save us from the Fire and let us enter Jannah together with our loved ones. That we must strive to do good in this temporary world, preparing ourselves to meet Him. May Allah forgive us and purify our souls upon returning to Him. May Allah grant us a beautiful ending in this life.

We leave 2014 with a smile, not because we have survived the year. But because Allah has given us the chance to taste the sorrow and sweetness of being a human. To seek His forgiveness and to rely on no one but Him. Only Allah. He do not let us alone. His mercy and blessings are endless we could never ever count His favour.

"And when my servants ask you (O Muhammad), concerning Me, indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. Let them, then, respond unto Me, and believe in Me, so that they might follow the right way." ~ (Quran, 2:186)

We enter 2015 with a hope, not because we are strong to walk on. But because we know we are weak, yet Allah is taking care of us, guiding us all through the way.

"Indeed, We guided him to the way, be he grateful or be he ungrateful." ~ (Quran, 76 : 3)

"And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak." ~ (Quran, 4 : 28)

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week 20 | we read

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week 17

“By time, indeed humanity is in loss, except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.” (Qur’an, 103)

How time flies. I still could not believe my eyes sometime that you have grown this big. I remember when I hold you for the first time. I was beyond thrill. As days passed by I felt like I have known you even before you were born. I have loved you even before we have met. I was head over heels. And then I thought mothering was a natural thing. Yes, it was easy the first year.

But as many moons gone by it got tougher than I thought. Sometime I stumble. But I got up and tried again. I learnt through mistakes in my efforts to be the best mother that I could for you. One big lesson I learnt was never ever to doubt myself that I am a good mother. It was a painful lesson. I almost believed that I was not really a good mother when I failed to do certain things. I was aiming for perfection at the time - that when I stumbled I began to doubt myself in being a good mother. The moment the thought sank in, it was probably the lowest moment of my motherhood. I did turn into a not-so-good mother. I was so emotional and handle things badly, losing my patience easily. I was depressed.

Alhamdulillah. Allah is Most Gracious, Most Merciful it did not last long. I turned to Allah and seek for his help. Asking for His mercy and guidance. And through it, I learnt another lesson. Mothering gets easier when we turn to Allah, and when we try not to be perfect instead learn to be better, and do things to please Him, and seeking for His help and guidance. That when we turn to Allah, we become more confident - in my case - as a mother.

Now I learn not to be hard on my self. Yes, I do still lose my patience at times, and there are so many other things I hope to improve on. But every time I falter I seek help from Allah praying that I will do better the next time. Mothering is a process. A beautiful journey. Especially when we put our trust in Him. I believe Allah will always guide His servants.

"Indeed, We guided him to the way, be he grateful or be he ungrateful." [Quran 76:3]

"So do not let the fact that the road seems long deter you. There will always be something to improve, and that is a good thing, because it means we are constantly growing. The companions were always evolving. They slipped up, but they never despaired. Moreover, they were not complacent. They knew their own selves. If it was anger they needed to work on, then that’s what they worked on. If it was prayer, then they focused on that. If it was laziness, then that.And do not be so hard on yourself when you cannot get something right. Do not be frustrated because you feel you have squandered all of your life in play, and now have no time to make up for it. Suhayl was 70 when he accepted Islam. He was so grateful for that gift that he took the steps. The past only matters inasmuch as you can learn from it and from your mistakes. But that is it. What matters is this moment now. What can you do now to improve your relationship with God, to improve yourself, to achieve your goals?"

If I were to regret, I regretted that my faith was not so strong during your early years. But alhamdulillah as I grow older, He opened my eyes.  Da'awah lectures and Islamic books especially on parenting became my best friends. The book  'Nurturing Eeman in Children' by Dr. Aisha Hamdan and a few other books, as well a series of lectures on 'Bringing Up a Muslim Child' by Shaykh Yawar Baig  opened my eyes and heart.  I hope one day I can give this treasure to both you and adik. I learnt the significant of bringing up a muslim child. Your daddy and both your grandparents help me a lot too.

I learn that success is not about raising you to become a successful person in a worldly definition. It is beyond that. I hope one day you and adik will grasp the idea that true success is when you finally get to enter Jannah. That Allah is pleased with you, and you are grateful to Him. Look for the meaning of success not from the worldly definitions. Yes there are lots of them. But if you want to know the true meaning of success look and search in His words, the Quran. You will find it, in shaa Allah.

"Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Qur’an, 49:13). And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will never become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes." Yasmin Mogahed.

You and are adik (and Nur Jannah too) is a gift, and also a trust given by Allah to both your dad and me. With all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right. To deserve so much love, and admiration from you two. With lots and lots of kisses and hugs every day and night. I am so thankful you have turned out to be beautiful inside in shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah. Allah is Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

We still have a long way to go. And the road to the straight path is usually and always be uphill. We may fall along the way, but never lose hope. Get up, and we will find our way back in shaa Allah. Trust in the One who created us, our Lord Allah the Almighty. Seek for His guidance. And remember to always put Allah and His Rasul, first and foremost in your life.

"...so he who wills may take to his Lord a way. And you do not will except that Allah wills. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Wise." [Quran Surat Al-'Insan : 29-30]

Love you two, and Nur Jannah. Always,
Mommy.

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week 16

"Recite in the name of your Lord who created - Created man from a clinging substance. Recite, and your Lord is the most Generous - Who taught by the pen - Taught man that which he knew not." [Al-Alaq: 1-5]

If there were regrets in my life, I regret that I did not introduce Quran right when you were still very, very little. But Allah is Most Merciful and Most Generous, He open my eyes and heart to see how significant it is to instil the love for Quran at the very young age of a child. The past few years, there were so many awareness of it that I had no excuse to say, "I did not know" any more. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

I was ambitious at first when I started teaching you Iqra. I wanted to do the teaching all by myself. Let me be the mom who taught her girls before anyone. But as you grow I realise it is as crucial too to let others be part of your Quran learning. And what better place to do that than in the Masjid, the house of Allah. It is the most beloved place on Earth to Allah. My hearts jumps with joy every time I see how happy you and adik are when in the masjid; how I love to see your eyes sparkle with delight when we are there - that includes playing time at the masjid of course (the masjid is very child friendly it even has a playground).  But Masha Allah to see how much you and adik enjoy performing solat in concregation, it means the world to me.

I pray that Allah give me and your daddy the istiqamah (steadfastness) to do this. To keep instilling the love for Quran and masjid throughout our lives. And I pray Allah make your Quran learning a beautiful journey for you - and your little sister - especially in getting to know Allah, and loving Him. May Allah make Quran your best friend, in this world and the hereafter.

Wallahi I love you two (and our littlest Nur Jannah) so very much, Mommy.

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week 13

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week 12

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week 6

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week 4

You seem to be amazed with lipstick, any lipstick.  Keep putting it on your lips.  Sometime there's a smear around the lips, and once you put it just so nicely on your lips.  But on one fine Wednesday you decided that you want to further experiment with the red stuff.  I was doing my work and suddenly you came up to me and said excitedly, "Look mommy, I'm a clown!"
When ever you explore or do something you always, always include a funny element in it.  It is just so you. The one who always cheer everybody around her, and cracks everyone up with her jokes.

That smile on your face is just so priceless.  You are always at peace with nature. Oh how I love to see that happiness in you when ever you wander around in a park, taking your time to just breath the air or just picking up any little things you stumble upon.  It could be a twig, a dry leaf or a little wild flower.  They fascinate you and your face beams with joy when you get to collect a lot of them.  Sometime you would imagine yourself roaming free in the jungle, or happily camping by the river side getting yourself engrossed setting up a camp-fire, while on another day you would be just delighted pretending to be busy building up a bird nest.  Adik is joining too in the adventure. Go on my sweethearts, roam free with your imaginations and explore the wonders and beauty of this life.  Appreciate even the little things and be grateful with the blessings Allah has bestowed upon us.

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week 3 | project 52

The pose you gave me before the sulking.  You love to pose, occasionally.  But when you do, it lasted only seconds.  If I get lucky, I get another pose from you.  But usually you would get really upset if I coax you to strike another pose. 

 It would not last long though - the sulking.  You could not help but smile after I tease you :D

Pony tail.  The way you like for me to tie your hair. 

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week 2 | project 52

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week 1 | project 52

enjoying the last day of school break, taking a boat ride in Kuching City.  you two had so much fun!

my sweethearts, I pray lotsa wonderful and beautiful things await you this 2014.

and most important your love for your Creator Allah, Most Gracious and Most Merciful grow bigger and bigger each day. 

xoxo, mommy.

you were anxious to start school.  excited, yet nervous at the same time. 

(plus the drama mommy created because of panicking!)

you were silent yet so cool about it , and in the car I was pleasantly surprised to see you counting your fingers.  I figured you were trying to calm yourself, by saying 'Subhanallah" repeatedly.  to be certain, I quietly asked you about it.  you nodded and continued on.  masha Allah without you knowing, you calmed me down the second after!

Subhanallah (Perfect Glory is to Allah)!

you are one determined little person. when you were much smaller, we sent you to daycare but you rejected the idea, and we finally decided it was best not to sent you.

and till now you prefer "school home" as you call it.  

when we suggested the idea this morning (yes, we keep suggesting you the idea since we thought it's probably a good time now for you to attend playschool) you got so angry and refuted by saying, "I AM NOT going to school FOR-E-VER!"
I know you assured me that you would learn to read and be very keen on learning - as long as you're at at home - yet still I prays it's only your temporary decision.  

Time flies, one day you would enjoy learning with teachers and friends around as much as learning at home with mommy.  In shaa Allah.

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